Zen moment

We bring to our lives all the experiences, memories, lessons learned...  somehow the things we've done in the past provide mental models to help us with the present.

So far, THIS adventure continues to bring to mind a river trip.

I was on the Middle Fork in Idaho with my friends Michael and Lauren.  I had decided to try out being in a duckie (inflatable kayak) -- FYI, i'll never claim to be a good paddler OR a good swimmer, but it seemed calmer than some earlier stretches we'd been on.  i hadn't been in the water too long before i got spooked by the cheese-grater rocks on a  wall i was too close too and overcorrected...

so i found myself in the water at the top of a rapid.  totally out of my depth on many levels.

i heard Michael yelling "Shore!!" from the boat behind, so i tried to get there before things got too wild...  ended up on a big rock in the middle of the river... it was really loud at that point, so i couldn't hear Michael saying "Stay there!!!!" -- but that brief respite gave me the chance to catch my breath and realize how much force the water had.  After a couple of deep breaths, i once again tried to follow his initial directions and get to shore... as soon as i pushed off from the rock i was back in the maelstrom.

funny the things that go through your mind...  Kellie had told me she found white water frightening and to "hold on to your paddle!" so that was there.  I was repeatedly telling myself two additional things like a mantra: "breathe when you can" / "relax"

i'm sure it was harder to watch than experience... i swallowed some water and felt like i got stuck in the whirlpool FOREVER altho i'm sure it was just seconds before that was done.  being relaxed was a huge benefit, i felt like the river pulled me over and around the rocks rather than slamming me into them.

when i was back in calmer water, i laid spread-eagled in the stream, letting the current float me, and started a mental body scan -- assessing whether i had anything seriously bruised or broken.  and i looked at the brilliant blue sky and coughed and breathed in such precious sweet air... profoundly grateful for how it went.  and THEN i laughed because that paddle i had a death-grip on could have injured me more severely than the bruises it inflicted -- could have been brutal if it had gotten wedged between rocks!  once i got down to my boat waiting for me, they hauled me out and checked me over and agreed with me that it went as stunningly well as it possibly could have... but no more duckie for me!!!

Michael still blames me for a few new grey hairs.  and often teases me about having my "zen moment" while he was thinking i was dead.  Lauren says she knew i was OK because i was still holding onto the paddle (if i had been unconscious and spread-eagled, i would have let the paddle go!) i remain surprised/astonished that i was able to do that -- to consciously choose to be relaxed in a crisis situation when everything logical in me says: PANIC!!!!!!

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and here i sit, totally out of my depth on many levels... and the mantra "breathe when you can" / "relax" applies here too, perhaps more than even in the water.