To win, Bea-style

I thought a lot about Andy-ji's comment on the last post -- what "winning" should mean to me now, in the face of a chronic condition that, although not currently considered terminal, is also not considered curable either [aside from a miracle, they give me no chance of being cancer-free...  just the quite-likely outcome of managing the disease for a hopefully-long time with a reasonable quality of life]

So, how do i win in this journey as i understand it?  For me, i can't make the definition of winning be that i "beat cancer" -- although a miracle isn't out of the question, it isn't what i am aggressively fighting for each day.

For Bea to win:

• I have to face this with grace, ease, a sense of humor.  Of course there will be moments of funk, but if i am persistently angry/mean-spirited/glum for more than a week, i give any of you permission to remind me that "this isn't who you want to be in this situation!"
• I get to finish chemo and have a longer leash...  me, the independent one!  Counting the days until this series of chemo is done [not ignoring that there is likely to be a NEXT series sometime, but pushing that scenario as far into the future possibilities as i can].
• I get to concentrate on loving my friends.  Letting them know how much they matter to me, especially now. Spending time with the ones that have that opportunity, connecting online/phone/email with others, just thinking about some while i cannot sleep.... basking in the net of affection that is mine.
• I will be pushing the envelope sometimes...  looking forward to taking a hike, breaking a sweat, regaining some range-of-motion, getting a blister again, needing sunscreen and perhaps even needing a bit of liniment for a sore muscle (work is good medicine)
• I will be keeping a reasonable financial situation.  I've told some that it would be ideal to die before i was broke... yes, it sounds blunt & crass, but it is honest....  For me to get through this maelstrom of expense and limited-earning might require me to change my standard of living (eventually...  and when that day comes it will be back to that graciousness training to cope with whatever is entailed in THAT experience).
• I will continue to make quilts... more on that in another post, but it's become such a happy part of my world that i treasure keeping it in this chapter as well.
• I will get to travel -- road trip, plane trip, excursion to the mountains with my camera... perhaps even a series of DVDs from the library for those places that might remain out of reach
• I will have months, perhaps even years, of light medical intervention.  It will be a return to what i think of as my natural state -- able to focus on integrated health rather than drugs and side effects and drugs-for-side-effects-that-have-their-own-side-effects.  Again, i think it would be unrealistic to expect NO drugs, but fewer would be welcome indeed.
• I will have a brief high-maintenance period at the end of the road.  K, that one is hard to write, since i am not really wanting to face the end of the road yet -- but for me to win in this journey, accepting that i'm mortal and now more-likely to die from cancer than the hit-by-a-bus option, i DO think about what the possibilities are for that slide into death.  In all scenarios i consider, once it is clear that i'm going there, the swiftest path seems preferable to a long slow slide...

Winning is possible.  Winning is likely.  Today, winning seems inevitable! :)