"let me know if you need anything"

i so appreciate this phrase! truly i do... it is such a heartfelt expression of love and concern.   please don't be surprised if my ONLY response to it is "thank you!"

what do i need? i don't always know.  what are you willing to give?  you might not know before you think about it.  how embarrassing for both of us if i say "i need __" and you're horrified or unwilling to do THAT, when something else you could do would have felt beautiful and gracious for you to give/share.

i come from a deal-with-it, don't-be-a-nuisance frame of reference.  having been in a challenging marriage and solitary for many years, i have learned to be creative and patient and simplify when what i want (or think i need) is out of my reach.  and since i am easily amused, i don't need much.  i have a beautiful life on many levels, in spite of the pain and the challenges that are mine in these moments.

one of my biggest fears in this experience is being a burden...  big fear... probably large enough to categorize as needs-counseling fear. at a really fundamental level my will to live is tied to my independence.  and i'm working on that, realizing that i need to get more open-minded about the whole process of being ill and receiving the love/support/assistance of my friends through this journey.

my friend Lauren is starting a spreadsheet of people here in the area who are willing to be called when there is a need for someone to drive me to an appointment, hang out with me at the apartment, stay overnight if necessary.  although i am hoping that it is a long time before that becomes a regular occurrence, this recent hospital visit made it abundantly clear to me how fragile and dynamic my situation can become in a moment.

If you are not prepared to be on the short list, but still are wanting to share of yourself (your time, your treasures) with me during this storm that has entered my life, ask me a few more follow-on questions like:

• what's going on right now in your world?
• what are you worried about most?
• what are you leaving undone?
• how was this last week for you?
• what does the next week/month look like for you?

and then if you think of something that strikes your fancy, meets your skills and interest and makes YOU smile, ask "may i {visit/shop/clean/cook/drive/put-gas-in-your-vehicle/go-to-the-post-office/__} for you?"  and we'll go from there... i might say "yes, please" or "no, thanks" or "maybe later" or "check back with me" -- and rest assured that i noticed that it wasn't the generic phrase and feel profoundly blessed by your attention, no matter what my response is to your offer.

and if i say no and you still feel inclined to help -- keep talking to me, keep asking, keep staying close -- know that your conversations are as profound of a gift as anything else you could share with me.  they convey a willingness to reach out to me and comfort me in this moment and i treasure that.