Some days a good cry is in order...

Have you ever had that lump in the back of your throat that doesn't ease and doesn't leave?  usually when i feel that, and it stays for days, it means i need to cry...  release a bit of emotion that doesn't seem to leave any other way.  Some things i could cry about, in no particular order:

• Oklahoma tornado damage, death, pain, suffering
• Afghanistan culture, where women are often still seen as property -- for a woman to be raped, and then in prison for "moral crime" as a result of it! injury upon injury!!
• Multiple friends with serious medical issues (other than me!).  Each of them individually could break my heart, but together and on top of each other they are entangled in my concerns.  I certainly can't fix their journey {no magic wands} but their sorrow can lay heavily on my heart and i can bear empathy for them and their loved ones as well as my personal grieving for their pain
• My medical issues, which are serious, but i try not to make the center of my life... they just get to front-and-center sometimes in spite of my not believing they belong there!
• Lack of sleep... OK, not as bad as some of my friends trying to get by on 1hr a night, but less than i would like and noticeable influence on rest of my equilibrium
• The tribute wall at the hospice that supported my parents' passing has been dismantled; they mailed me the plaque... it's small, but now what do i do with it?????? i had mentally hoped it would be there and on display through my lifetime at least....
• My eyelashes, since they lost the contest against the poison -- both left this morning, one pre-shower, other post...  but in the end they will return, i have grand hope and expectations for them!!!
• Nausea -- yet i am thankful meds help and i haven't had it EVERY time as some experience
• Anemia -- yet the mid-level Dr is willing to advocate vitamins! WOOT, novel thought!  (ok, that pegged my sarcasm meter... but they have been so anti-anything-other-than-pharmacy-drugs that vitamins have been pooh-poohed and now recommended seems a bit ironic)
• Ongoing chemo meds -- yes, i still haven't got my head about not being well and truly done with this experience
• Peripheral nerve damage, not being able to feel as well as i would like with  compensation required... sometimes surprised at what i can no longer do, sometimes happily able to adjust
• Chemo brain -- mush and scrambled eggs
• Temperature management -- hot and cold and sweating and unpredictable... and not even on hormone therapy yet, which is supposed to make it profoundly worse

There's such sweetness in my life too, in spite of the tears shed and unshed:

• Back in january's chemo class, we joked about "code brown" (diarrhea making dirty knickers...) been quite close more than once this week, but averted the possibility so far... altho you might have giggled with me as i scooted/waddled as fast as possible with clenched butt cheeks to the rest room! LOL, whew! score!!! won that race!!
• Friends have texted and visited and commiserated with me and support me and remind me that it's ok to have the whole spectrum of emotions
• chat
• a phone that i actually DO text on, luddite that i am
• Pandora
• Pinterest
• Facebook
• LOL, you might think the last three are randomly odd things to be grateful for, but music, a tumbling log of visual stimulation, and news from people who might not otherwise communicate makes me feel connected... in ways i expect would not happen otherwise
• enough food for the moment, even tho it tastes pretty vile to me... there is variety and i tell myself to eat it anyway in spite of the metal-mouth overtones... perhaps the source of some of the nausea! LOL
• an adequate place to live with birds outside and plenty of room and more storage than i have filled yet or intend to fill anytime soon
• a trip -- my sister sent details and all i have to do is bring a check and myself to have a grand experience... it is something i am sure i need on multiple levels
• and in spite of chemo brain, i knew where i had put my passport when moving from cali in jan... amongst all the random stream of consciousness that has flown through my world in the last few months :) woot, there is hope for me yet

as my friend Heber would say.... "it's all good" -- i'll sleep if i can, rest if i cannot sleep, and weep if i must

and tomorrow will be a new day.

and because i can, i will find some joy in it... since i KNOW there is joy in each blessed day i am alive