things i don't typically talk about...

random and semi-relevant

• I have a standing DNR (do not resuscitate) legal order
• my desire is for direct cremation -- no need to embalm me!  i was totally creeped out by the awareness that some people get embalmed, then cremated... envision all those  chemicals becoming vaporized in the smoke!
• it's perfectly OK w/ me if there's no funeral or service of any kind

Funerals are a tricky topic in my journey.  I went with my dad to pick up my mom's ashes, knowing how intensely stressed he was and how much my mom hated funerals [she always said she wanted real connections with people while she was living rather than sometimes-sanitized stories about her after she was gone].  I remember my dad's palpable relief when i said to him "you don't have to plan a funeral if you don't really want one..."

We offended some people by that choice.  But if they had chosen to talk to me i would have explained how right it felt to me at the time -- it completely honored who my mom was.  And i believed then (and still do) that funerals are for the living, not the deceased one.  My dad died not too long after, and my brother put together a beautiful photo/requiem for them both. It still feels like absolutely the perfect choice for honoring their lives.

I have told the people who get the nasty job of tidying up after my passing that they can do nothing OR plan a celebration if they want to, have a pot luck, disperse my sentimental tchotckies, tell stories (sanitized or not)... one of my friends even said it should become a quilt show, but not sure that is logistically possible...  part of acknowledging that it is not about ME at that point is my willingness to let it be however it turns out...

I am my mother's child, so i treasure the connections I have with people NOW, through all means of interaction.

As far as we can tell, in this random practice of medicine, my demise is not coming any time soon.  Both the Pet/CT and the bone scan results are in and mostly-positive.  It is still not clear to me what that means and what i am going to do about it next, but somehow i am OK enough to sit with that ambiguity for a while... i actually see the bone scan images next week. I continue to have the option of radiation or adding more pain meds to the mix... and know that i have to "trust my gut" for choosing either of those (last time i increased the pain med dosage, it made me more sleepy than i want to be... but as discomfort increases, that side effect is less common -- the drugs just work to take the edge off)  Radiation is a new thing to add to the mix -- it is not without risk and not guaranteed to solve the issues i face... but on the table as something to try.

For today, i keep believing i haven't exhausted my other choices for stress reduction, pain reduction, getting to the bottom of why my GI system is so unhappy, nutritional support...

so plenty to do

and since i'm randomly unable to do anything about any of those TODAY, think i'll go work on tax paperwork!

happy spring to you!