on being scared...

i have only spoke @ one funeral (and hopefully that will be all, although i was honored and blessed by the experience) -- one of the things i mentioned about Merriah was her desire to not be limited/ruled by her fears... since fear manages everything poorly!

Recently, i posted a folk song from a band Brian recommended i seek out -- i went looking for them online and was particularly struck by the refrain "if i live the life i'm given, i won't be scared to die..." -- interesting point of view, but not sure i totally agree...

i am afraid at times, and i give myself permission -- "it's allowed!"  but i usually time-box it -- willing to feel it, but not willing to REMAIN in fear or cycle into deeper and deeper spirals of anxiety.

Usually it is me projecting some horrible future upon myself, with poverty, pain, mental instability...  all things i am scared of living through.  ironically, the actual moment-of-death passing doesn't seem as overwhelming as some trials of endurance could be!

If i step away from the horribilizing of what might come to me sometime in the future, and return to the simplicity of what is in front of me today, things are usually much better.

Sometimes i get a piece of paper out and write down my worries, separating the real from the possible... and then i choose to focus on the real... and that list is usually short ...  "tomorrow will take care of itself" (Matt 6:34) is sage advice indeed!

Today is about ice, and breathing, and drinking enough water, and watching the clock (pain meds are a good thing -- and as Lillian reminded me, i will heal better if i rest, and i will rest better if i'm not grimacing!), and loose clothing, and distracting myself between naps

On some tomorrow, i can deal with work and where i live and whether to pay myself for this month (i think YES! LOL)

Surgery went well.  The Dr was surprised that i was short-waisted -- she didn't expect that given my overall height and body size...  but she said it was routine and took some pictures and sent the tissues off for inspection [no one is anticipating that there is an issue THERE, just needed to remove estrogen production]