Happy Father's Day!

may each of you have the happiest of Father's Days tomorrow!  Especially those who will celebrate being the guest-of-honor for the first time (Yes, i mean you Thomas! since Cole  just turned 5 months today)

Father's Day reminds me that i only knew a facet of the complex person my father was, and renews the gratitude that i have for him and all the sacrifices he made for the family. On some levels, he was a "simple" man desiring "simple" pleasures --- i could fault him for that, but i also see that tendency in myself too, so i choose to smile instead...

By the time i was born, his hair was salt & pepper and his brown eyes had lightened to hazel.  I remember as a child wondering if one day i would wake up without MY brown eyes as well, ambivalently hoping so some days and dreading it others!

circa 2003

He's been dead for 10 years now.  Some days i run through "the news" that i might tell him if i went to visit... all the things i could chatter about... at least the missing of him is not so incredibly raw any more, and i recognize that the ache isn't going to go away but doesn't have to be all-consuming...

i continue to realize that i was blessed indeed to have him in my life for the first 40 years

at a basic level my life made more sense when my parents were living.  since then, it seems quite a bit more random and self-absorbed, in spite of my intentions to not let it become completely imploded...  i have made a determined effort not to let my universe get too small/isolated -- so filling it with friends and travel and work and quilting and reading and hiking seems like a grand plan

on days like today it still seems rather small indeed... perhaps because yesterday was drug day and i didn't rest today so i am extra weary... i was planning to sew but think that is not going to happen until tomorrow... expect i should put a DVD on instead, and just sit!

new drug seems to leave a lingering taste on my tongue -- slightly metallic... reminds me of chemo! (ugh!!) but i am a bit more mobile and sleeping better, so trying to look on the bright side of things...  not at full dose yet, so just keep monitoring it for whether it helps and what its side effects are.