in retrospect...

tomorrow will be a year from the mammogram/ultrasound that started this stormy season in my world...

a year! so i have been ruminating on the anniversary -- and also realizing i want to wish the happiest of birthdays to Brian, Ms. Em, and Romina!!!

Many days this year it felt like my #1 job was survival.  and so in some ways i am shocked to be here, surviving quite well, all things considered... perhaps because of the storm, perhaps in spite of the storm.

what can i say about the year?

• chemo was not as bad as i expected it to be.  how thankful i am that this one is true!
• post-chemo has been worse than i expected... hmm, maybe i had unrealistically optimistic expectations... and we just keep tweaking things and assessing where i am in the process
• thankful for my friends and all the ways they have supported me through this journey
• glad i have had a job, even with its random challenges -- it is a distraction and a way to contribute to society.
• awesome to have my neck better! what a horrible pain that was and such a relief to have less difficulty getting out of bed in the morning
• wonderful to regularly see a lady for bodywork -- think i am healing better than i would otherwise with attention to my muscles and range of motion... and so i am happy to show up, even if some days it makes me weep... ouch!
• how amazing to have had a major trip!!!  Almost a month down under, and Australia went right back on the places-to-visit list...  some stunning visceral moments that were everything i had dreamed they would be... like the light on Ayer's rock or the opportunity to photograph kangaroos in full motion
• grateful for the number and variety of quilts i have been able to work on -- even this morning i sat @ the cancer center doodling about what i could make next... you might think i am fabric-addicted, and perhaps i would agree with you!

if i was to answer "what is the worst thing about 2013?" it would have to be the drama about my truck.  that was malicious and unethical and entirely unnecessary.

i am sometimes amazed that i don't think cancer has been the worst thing about the year -- it is perhaps the biggest thing and it is hard and a seemingly unending slog -- but there isn't any malice in it -- i hope i continue to see it in the same light as i would see a stroke or a heart attack or an accident -- difficult, but not something that makes me angry or hurt....

i don't know what the next year will bring.  lease is up next month and uncertain where i will live and what will happen on so many fronts... but it is like i told the pain dr this morning -- "not too different than what many people have to cope with"

the oncologist is pleased with the change from the assessment pre-surgery -- and new hormone therapy can take 6 months to settle in...  so we will continue on this course and re-assess late February with a new Pet-CT scan

i have been rather sad and overwhelmed by the uncertainty and the ongoing pain management issues, and then i get to remind myself yet again, "not too different than what many people have to cope with"

and then i get to go sew!  this week one of my partially-finished quilts got assigned to Jess (one of my friends from the India trip) -- it will get stitched/bound and sent to the UK -- this one has cute quotes on it that say things like "eat your peas!" and so i hope it makes her smile when it arrives even if she doesn't like peas!  Emily (& Nick's) wedding quilt is done and the two baby quilts that are already spoken for should be back from the stitcher by the end of the year.

all in all, lucky me!