You're gonna miss me when i'm gone...

Loved this sweet you-tube video by a friend of a friend
Haleigh cup song cover
we used to see a song similar to this, but not with the cups...

back in Utah yesterday, loved sleeping with my very own pillow instead of a pile of lumpy foam bits (can you tell i wasn't impressed by the hotel i stayed in? LOL)

what can i say about the trip or my life at the moment? "it feels too complicated!" and so there are moments where i wish for a staples button solution:

maybe i am more connected to the word "easy" because it was the last coherent thing my dad said.  in his case, it could have been any number of things (a request, a comment, a mantra) -- he couldn't really explain why he was saying it, but i continue to hope that he was indeed comforted by the utterance.  and i would wish for his passing to be easy, just as i look forward and hope that i am granted an easy transition out of this mortal realm... even though i know we don't always get what we want!

easy and gracious matters to me -- i have always believed i can knock on a door, but if it doesn't open easily i shouldn't force it! i have countless experiences in my journey where things that were meant for me just worked out -- perfect timing and often more abundant than i had expected.  whenever i find myself too anxious about the road ahead, i have to remind myself that i have choices, and that the universe is on my side, and that it will work out somehow in the end, better than i might worry it to occur!

coming up on a year of this storm... and there have been many blue-sky days, which i choose to give more weight in my memories than the dark/wet/ugly days.  the latest hormone meds seem to be better at managing new cancer growth, and i don't tend to be as grumpy about the monthly infusion (which is not chemo but sure feels like it!!!)  it still doesn't feel like we have the precise approach needed for pain management, but perhaps that is because i don't want to be this uncomfortable and i just need to get my big-girl panties on and deal!

in the next few months i will have to get to clarity on where i work and where i live (lease is up in january and one of the things i would choose to bring into my life next summer is a vegetable garden... not possible here).  the job has some blessings and a lot of pain -- i'm not a good teleworker on an assignment with a lot of thrash -- really dislike going into the office by myself with nothing to do... can't believe that serves anyone well. they would like me to go into the california office rather than here and that has a whole bundle of complications i am not sure i am ready for...

so for today, i will unpack and do laundry and enjoy the beautiful fall leaves (color is much prettier than when i left -- snow in the mountains, looks like much of the oak has already shed its leaves but still a lot of red/gold here in the valley)