August, again... and memory-laden

many days of mundane work and errands...

just a year since my friend Arlene died of cancer -- perhaps she KNEW for a time she was facing another round of cancer, but didn't have that long to have a proper diagnosis on her shoulders. may she continue to rest in peace.

more and more pain to manage, and less energy than i would like... but still vibrant enough to appear hale & hearty {i decided to buy raw milk, had to sign a release that i am well enough to deal with the risk of no pasteurization}  I have spent some time trying to find a milk i like... not sure there is enough funds for raw milk since it's 3x as much as even the most expensive store-bought milks!

chimera - cats that are about twin-ish

this cat reminded me of our childhood Half-and-Half kitten, which was like this one but more perfectly divided.  this kitten died, but another (from the same litter?) i called Calico - one of my very favorites; Calico was part Siamese and was a totally-inappropriate high strung personality for an outside cat in a rented ranch. cats are a part of my childhood, but quite rare in adulthood (only one kitten for a few weeks -- otherwise petless) wonder why is that? it is not that i don't LIKE pets, but outside cats or dogs were happily a part of my growing up, but my brother actually took care of them, not me.  smelly in the house.  quite reluctant to make a commitment to a creature that depended on me to take care of them... selfish? rude? 

sigh.

this week i was delighted to wander south with a friend to Cedar City, see a couple plays {"South Pacific" and "The Taming of the Shrew"}  it brought to mind our high school production of the taming production -- but so much happier and clever than our amateur production...  amusing that the evening performance mentioned current events and the desire for some of the actors to be in "south pacific" i am sad indeed that the historic theater will be replaced with a modern version.  we will see if there is a charm to the new one.  i hope so, but i am a bit cynical

delightful road trip.  we discussed mortality in ways i doubt i would have been able to pre-cancer... it is precious i think to have a friend who can listen and observe and does not need to judge me or my stream-of-consciousness thoughts.  happily we could talk about a whole bunch of things...  and she humored me with a stop at the springville museum for the state quilt show.

my sister Kelly and her husband Jamie are in the states and arrive here mid-week for a visit of a couple of weeks... i am in the final chapters of sorting up the clutter of my home... it's a good thing!  I SHOULD be better at putting together the ongoing paper blizzard of my life rather than letting it breed with inattention.  most of it can be disposed of, random bits of paper.

we're taking a road trip to Yellowstone -- i am packing and working on charging the batteries for my big camera.  last trip to Yellowstone i took with my parents, just before i started dating Michael... this round will be different indeed, but with happy memories too.

memories are an ongoing challenge to sort and settle
perhaps that is my current job to work on
i am trying to keep myself curious and willing to see the confetti for what it is
work and home and childhood stories
relationships and those that have ended, by my choice or time or circumstances
"what might have been" is not easy to turn the faucet off

but turning useless thrashing off is wise indeed
it makes sense to think about the present time

the present time is interesting enough, remembering to deal with the day's adventure with an open heart and a gracious spirit

it seems the time i spend in consulting is idleness and not much value-add.  perhaps a break is a good thing and i can decide what to do with how frustrated i have become; sometimes i want a part-time job or no job at all, but that particular path only works if the news on the medical front is dire (and so far the news there is mediocre -- still waiting for the next round of tests to decide whether a change is required)

my friends are busy, and at many levels i am thankful for their inattention -- it would be a good thing to keep happiest by myself realizing that i am not yet a nuisance.  one of the delightful things about most of my friendships has been that we can often reconnect in an instant, re-invigorated

hope you are all well; thanks for checking in.