A decade passed...

Vail, Feast of Tabernacles... undated, but probably ~1986

Today it will be 10 years since my mom died.  It seemed surreal to have the she's-gone conversation with my father only to witness his death ~5 months later...  what a profound shift in my world!

time is an interesting thing, as are memories...  a decade of growing and changing for me, and an ever-deeper realization of the inheritance they gifted me with.  i continue to maintain that i am a fortunate child indeed -- got the best traits of each of my parents (and my own interesting flaws, which i'll claim as MINE rather than insinuating that i inherited those too ;) )

I was profoundly convinced that i didn't want my mom to suffer more than she had, so my head agreed with Dad when he said "it's for the best" My heart, on the other hand, wailed at the loss and sometimes still does.  She chose an interesting  and lonely route through cancer, and if i were to let myself, there could be legions of IF-ONLY alternatives to consider, many that i might believe would have ended happier... but at the end of the day, it was her choice and her path to walk.

she was fierce in life, stubborn, bold, intelligent, generous.  as she aged, there was more and more tenderness in her, more willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt when they disagreed with her.  i told her that i saw her as an apple, growing sweeter as it compressed, and she sniffed and said something like "well, I SHOULD be growing, right?  it makes no sense to stay the same when you can become better!!!"

I went rooting through old boxes for a particular picture that i took of my mom in high school... alas, i didn't find it, but surprised myself at many other photos I haven't looked at in YEARS, some pictures of myself that i don't remember, and trips to Alaska, Germany, Thailand, Ireland, Greece -- back in the pre-digital age!

the clock is relentless, i suspect i am more aware of it ticking than i've ever been... but hopefully i can keep it all in some semblance of perspective, and remind myself to savor the present moment, and these new memories i add to the mountains of old ones...