half of 2016 is in the record books... how did THAT happen so fast?

I walk this path with an aggressive beast.
I choose not to think of cancer as the enemy, just a confused part of my cellular makeup.
I try not to give it center stage, acknowledging that it is PART of my world without overmuch drama.

my last test results were poor.  i start IV chemo next week... we will assess how my body responds after 2 months.  so back to looking for my thermometer (temperature monitoring), looking for a cute super-short haircut (want something a little different than a buzz this time, since i know it could be around for a while as the hair vacates the premises), and just simplifying my responsibilities wherever i can!

doing the necessary things.  perhaps not as well as they need to, and sometimes late.  working on accepting that without beating myself up about being inadequate.

a few sweet things that bear noting...

Dr.  Call is a capable oncologist and truly nice human being, so i try not to mind that i still miss Dr. Harker years after his retirement.  He went through the test results, gave me four options, pro/con for all, answered my questions, narrowed it down to his two recommendations after we talked, and agreed with my reasoning about which i selected. He consistently tries to make it a partnership rather than him insisting what i do.
Overall, i am STILL smiling at the thought that continues to stay in the background like a drumbeat:

your blood work indicates your liver is doing its job, in spite of the current tumor load.  your body is amazingly adaptable. -- Dr. Justin Call

and so it is.  i need to focus on the things that are right and functional, not the ones that are swollen and sore and worrisome.

my friend Lisa is getting her doTerra business started, in spite of many obstacles... one of her stated outcomes is this:

•Who do I want to see me achieve this? Me. And my friend Bea if she's still alive.
•How will it feel to share this with them? So good because I deserve to have a chance at living after so many years of trying and working so hard. And it would be great to share with Bea because she'll be so happy for me if she's still here. Maybe we could even take a little vacation if she's between chemo and feeling up to it. That would be such a precious memory to have.

truth, i would be delighted

my coworker (and fellow business analyst) Gerry has been such a blessing on so many levels.  

not only do i feel less stress about the project if my contribution must wane, but it is so great to have someone to bounce ideas off of, laugh with, and plan to go forward in spite of the frustrations of the day.  he is a treasure in my world.  we went to lunch together and he said this about his coming to Unishippers:

perhaps you prayed me into this job

truth, and it makes me smile and makes me humble at the same time... i know some aspects of the assignment are not ideal for him (like his commute), but i hope he can continue to find joy in it as the time progresses

our sometimes-snarky architect gave me a lovely compliment on instant messaging 

we were talking about how slowly things can move (he needs a feature installed, has been asking for it at least since i arrived, and expects it will still be a couple of years before he gets it) i said something like "so after my time then, although i am expecting my assignment to be extended"  i'm paraphrasing his reaction but it was something like

 you better be here. otherwise i will be very upset

a veiled reference to health as well as work contribution, and as much of an acknowledgement that he values me as i ever expect to get.  i've worked hard to understand his point of view, not annoy him unless i believe it is necessary, and smile at his foibles

my STG family gave me a lovely bouquet of daisies

made my eyes teary in a good way. flowers are interesting in my life... my mom used to say she would rather have a plant, because flowers fade.  to me that is part of their charm, how temporary they are! i appreciate them very much, perhaps even more so because i was married to a man who decided to be unkind by saying

you don't deserve flowers

deserve? OK, so perhaps no one ever deserves them!!! but they are such a stunning way to communicate care and beauty and life and happiness.  when i was in California and trader joe's was my weekly shopping experience -- flowers were inexpensive and easy to add to the shopping cart.  i would tell myself:

EVERYONE deserves beauty and the chance to enjoy it whenever possible

and so it is.

i'm off to do those things i've been avoiding while i wrote this post