i made my plans too ambitious... and then i changed them!

i really wanted to finish piecing a quilt, laundry, packing, cook up the rest of the fresh items in the fridge... wasn't happening and i got more and more uptight about it until about 3pm i gave up on the finishing-the-quilt bit, realizing that is not mandatory... no need for an optional bit of activity to be putting me a bit over the edge!!!

laundry & packing are done -- lunch was boring, dinner should be likewise!! and pieces of fabric will lay about patiently waiting for my return.

i told Lauren i should embrace my wild hair, sent her a clothing ad with the picture below... her return comment was "well, the good news is if you go ahead and let the hair do its thing, it doesn't matter what you wear because no one will notice!"

so.... perhaps no one will notice what i'm wearing, altho i am a few months out from THAT degree of volume!  feeling decidedly dumpy in the fashion department, but also unwilling to go buy anything so i best be dealing with it!

had some bright spots in the week, and continue to meditate-on/edit/ignore the ugly bits. i don't tend to spend much time obsessing on the big why ("why does Bea have cancer?") but i was amused by a couple things around precisely that topic this week:

• people who post motivation photos don't always mean them in the context *I* take them...  especially the ones that say things like "You get what you deserve" ... nope, not buying that!  Didn't deserve cancer, but also didn't deserve to be cancer-free either... deserving doesn't have anything to do with it.
• a friend said "perhaps you are having this experience to teach ___" ... to which i immediately replied "oh, i think there must be better ways for others to learn than this!"

i don't know why. may never know why.  but i  do know that i am mortal and illness and frailty comes with the package... only those who die young skip the indignities of aging...  and i can tell you i didn't want THIS experience, but in the same breath (or perhaps the next breath) acknowledge that it doesn't matter what i WANT at this point, i am having this experience...

and i get to meet it, a day at a time, with kindness toward myself on every level.